Missionary Control, We have lift-off!

And so it was that we left Germany with an amorous 'ick bien liber dich' to Oktoberfest and an 'auf wiedersehen' to Munich that left a twinkling tear in our eye, but none more so then the Robber's, who after finally re-uniting with Tits McGee, was left to ponder what might have been if not for those nine steins.

But as they say, every torn piece of alfoil has both a shiny and dark side, and it was the Robber's destiny to glanve upon his reflection in that shiny side and see the truth, that Tits was coming in only a few short weeks to luscious Leeds to lavish the Robber's laconic lips, with lustful, longing yet loving licks. To put it bluntly, we were go for sex people!

Many moons had passed since our 'bon voyage' and our Protagonist's quest began. Many maidens heart's had fluttered, then fluttered by as the Robber fell at each hurdle, but pick himself back up he did. "They are but flesh wounds" he would quote like the Black Knight from Monty Pythons, little did he know that the holy grail he sought was the furry cup of one Tits McGee, that since laying eyes on her high upon the Austrian Tyrol, he has been like a man possessed, but not with a demonic presence, but with love.

The time was almost nigh, preparations needed to be made, every orifice scrubbed til sparkling, face shaven, sack shaven, delightful smelling oils applied. The bus arrived and there she was in all her golden glory. At dinner they were like two kids sitting alone down the side of a house at a party, if I move my hand just an centimeter more off my thigh, I'll be touching his... Then the wine flowed freely, and relaxation ensued. A short stroll home, ah they were holding hands now, you could feel the electricity between them and see the blood draining from the Robber's face. Goodnight all, door shuts and then...

creak

creak

creak creak creak

creak creak creak creak creak

creak creak creak creak creak creak creak creak creak

creakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreak
creakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreak
creakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreak
creakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreak
creakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreak
creakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreak
creakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreak

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations Robber on two things, first and foremost on finding the love of a wonderful woman, you truly deserve it and continue to treat each other right. Secondly and perhaps more importantly, and I say this with much mirth to quote the Robber himself 'The king must hear of this!'

The drought is broken.

Well done son, well done.

Day 3 - The End

I awoke that day just like any other, a scratch of the gooch, recognition of the slight morning glory due to pressure on the prostate from a full bladder and a ruffle of the bed hair making sure enough wax was left to make myself presentable for the obligatory trip to the ablution blocks. I gave Chesty a quick kiss good morning as she began her morning ritual of thawing out and I donned by jacket and went to the toilet. It seemed like any other day at Oktoberfest (I know there had only been two previous to that but I settle quite quickly) but little did I know that today would be the day that something that I have always feared but never come across, would rear its ugly head.

And this is my last recollection of today. After 6 Red Bull Vodkas, 10 steins of beer and 10 shots of schnapps my mind gave in and said I can't be assed remembering any of this I might pass out now and put Luke on autopilot. Apparently this is what I was up to.

Day 2 - The Beginning

After a cosy nights sleep in our two man (or woman) tents we rose to the aftermath of the night before, sun shining through the trees and glinting off empty beer bottles. As we rubbed the sleep from our eyes the air of anticipation swept over us. Today was the day we had come for, last night was a mere entree' to what was to be our main course, Oktoberfest. We hastily through a fry-up down our gullets courtesy of our friendly Topdeck staff and boarded the first bus to Olypmic park, the current abode of Oktoberfest. After disembarking and a game of follow the leader we arrived out our destination, the Hofbrauhaus, the traditional beer tent that every aussie who is an aussie in Munich goes to on the opening day. There we met the 6th and final member of the Scooby gang...Tits McGee.

Who is Tits McGee you might ask. Well dear readers she is a very very special girl. As we all remember many moons ago when 'The Robber' and I departed our fair shores, I seeking the adventure of foreign high seas and he seeking to rob the hearts of fair maidens on our way. Well it turns out that that old cliche' 'What goes around comes around' bares some truth. It turns out 'The Robber' had his heart not only stolen but also bound, gagged and now suffering from stockholm syndrome for its would be abductor. And that abductor is Tits, the long lost banana-bending sweetheart from Hopfgarten in Austria that the young Robber wasn't able to seal the deal with due to an unfortunate case of 'pink eye'. They have kept touch over these months and fallen for each other over the telephone. And thus the patron saint of their love is Alexander Graham Bell, with 'The Robber' erecting a shrine to him in his cupboard at home, but I digress. The real story here is that two lonely souls drifting through this crazy world found each other and now will be forever intertwined...we think.

And so Tits McGee, Chesty Leroux, Busty Calhoon, The Pirate, The Librarian and The Robber entered those wooden double doors of the Hofbrauhaus and it was a sight to behold. And we did it just in the nick of time as ridiculously large German men who looked like they had Acromegaly barred the doors behind us and sneered through the glass at any aussie who was just a tad to late to mecca.

What followed was a greater build up then a 90th minute winner in a 1-0 Man U victory over Chelsea. It was 9:30 and the ceremonial tapping of the keg was not til 12:00 and thus every stein in the house was filled with water and that was all. The chanting started, mid-morning snacks of schnitzel burgers were bought, as the excitement grew and grew. We could almost taste the beer in the air but our mouths remained dry. Then it happened. The horns blew the music started and the march commenced. Like a flag bearer at the Olympics (coincidentally this was the site of the 1972 summer games) a lone figure carrying a large stick which bore the Hofbrauhaus symol atop wove is way through the crowd followed by a large brass band. The cheering grew louder and louder until they reached the center balcony where they stopped. A hush went over the crowd a few words in English were said but I cannot recall those as the only thing that was going through my mind, was beer. The diplomat raised his hand and with one glorious strike the keg was tapped.

And then the beer flowed, steins were clinked together amidst cries of 'Prost' and all was good with the world. We had beer and our smiles were grinning from ear to ear. It truly was a day to remember.

Footnote: 'The Robber' left Germany on a train back to Austria with Tits, without a passport and upon arriving in Hopfgarten he passed out and consequently still didn't get any sex, then returned the next day to Munich tail between his legs.

Day 1 - The Arrival

An early (4.30am) start to the day, timed showers, shared bathroom, wolfing down toast, then the maddest dash to platform 13 at Clapo Junno. All this with a 13kg back-pack on her back was a little too much for Chesty. She nearly didn't make it. But with her last ounce of strength she managed to climb that last flight of stairs and hurl herself onto the departing train. A beautiful beginning which set the tone of utter madness that was Oktoberfest 2007.

Upon arrival we were greeted by a sea of tents and a vast arrays of accents, namely Australian, Kiwi and the odd Saffa thrown in for good measure. Singing, drinking, chanting, drinking, shouting, more drinking and the odd bit of nudity. Had we been mysteriously teleported back to 'The Church'? No this was Thalkirchen, the infamous campsite that teems with antipodeans here to participate in one of their favourite pastimes, drinking booze. And as the saying goes when in Thalkirchen, drink, so we did.

The Tribe Has Spoken

As soon as Sky get their pathetic act together and reconnect our broadband now that we have relocated to London I promise to regale you with tales of Oktoberfest and Egypt. It means so much to me that this blog has all of your love and support. Especially your's Tom. And of course my own father's.

Stay tuned...

A Question Posed

A quick reader survey.

Is anyone still checking this blog or has my diatribe bored everyone to their wits end so much so that no one bothers anymore.

A show of hands or better still a comment after this entry to show that you still read this blog and that it is worth me continuing, otherwise it shall be retired.

Salutations.

The Pirate.

???

The Forbidden Corner is full of strange things...

To see them all you must find you way,

And don't believe what others say.

They're anywhere and eveywhere,

So go in search, but please take care.

In woodland glade or the dark world below,

Watch your step and mind how you go.

Make it tough for others and don't let them find you,

By being sure to close all doors behind you.

Repulsive dwarf, defromed and all,

Emerges from beneath the wall.

Eyes of red and scales of blue,

Look close enough and he may surprise you.

And what is this,
We've come to pass?

A pyramid,

Of solid glass!

Standing there,

For all to see,

A little boy,

Having a pee.

Come and look,

And wonder why.

You can see,

Through a stone eye.

Where's the Grotto,

North or South?

Get it straight,

From the horse's mouth.

What's this monster,

All about?

First thing you know,

He'll spit you out.

Venus looks out over the dale,

It has been said her cheeks are pale,

But she spends her life standing outside,

Are they really pale? Friend you decide.

The snake pulsates,

With the light it sheds.

Dare you pass,

Between the heads.

Pluto stands,

Trident in hand.

Ruling over his,

Underworld land.

Close by St Cuthberts as you might know,

Lie merry old dalesfolk who lived long ago.

Their verses give insight to the world as twas then,

When women were women and men, well, were men!

The Silver Swan lands by a pool,

Water runs crystal clear.

To drink or bathe will do you good,

And you can do either here.

Once I was a tree,

Now a dog you see!

Quite a change, you remark,

But still I have my bark.

Giants among us everywhere,

Though mortals rarely see.

One, you can though if you try,

Is the Green Knight in the tree.

Go quietly for fear they shy away,
And you'll see no antler or or bob tail.
With graceful speed it's fair to say,
They are the Monarchs of the Dale.