The Great Piratical Rumbustification

Missionary Control, We have lift-off!

2008-02-06T02:14:00.000-08:00

And so it was that we left Germany with an amorous 'ick bien liber dich' to Oktoberfest and an 'auf wiedersehen' to Munich that left a twinkling tear in our eye, but none more so then the Robber's, who after finally re-uniting with Tits McGee, was left to ponder what might have been if not for those nine steins.

But as they say, every torn piece of alfoil has both a shiny and dark side, and it was the Robber's destiny to glanve upon his reflection in that shiny side and see the truth, that Tits was coming in only a few short weeks to luscious Leeds to lavish the Robber's laconic lips, with lustful, longing yet loving licks. To put it bluntly, we were go for sex people!

Many moons had passed since our 'bon voyage' and our Protagonist's quest began. Many maidens heart's had fluttered, then fluttered by as the Robber fell at each hurdle, but pick himself back up he did. "They are but flesh wounds" he would quote like the Black Knight from Monty Pythons, little did he know that the holy grail he sought was the furry cup of one Tits McGee, that since laying eyes on her high upon the Austrian Tyrol, he has been like a man possessed, but not with a demonic presence, but with love.

The time was almost nigh, preparations needed to be made, every orifice scrubbed til sparkling, face shaven, sack shaven, delightful smelling oils applied. The bus arrived and there she was in all her golden glory. At dinner they were like two kids sitting alone down the side of a house at a party, if I move my hand just an centimeter more off my thigh, I'll be touching his... Then the wine flowed freely, and relaxation ensued. A short stroll home, ah they were holding hands now, you could feel the electricity between them and see the blood draining from the Robber's face. Goodnight all, door shuts and then...

creak

creak

creak creak creak

creak creak creak creak creak

creak creak creak creak creak creak creak creak creak

creakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreak
creakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreak
creakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreak
creakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreak
creakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreak
creakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreak
creakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreakcreak

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations Robber on two things, first and foremost on finding the love of a wonderful woman, you truly deserve it and continue to treat each other right. Secondly and perhaps more importantly, and I say this with much mirth to quote the Robber himself 'The king must hear of this!'

The drought is broken.

Well done son, well done.

Day 3 - The End

2007-12-20T04:42:00.000-08:00

I awoke that day just like any other, a scratch of the gooch, recognition of the slight morning glory due to pressure on the prostate from a full bladder and a ruffle of the bed hair making sure enough wax was left to make myself presentable for the obligatory trip to the ablution blocks. I gave Chesty a quick kiss good morning as she began her morning ritual of thawing out and I donned by jacket and went to the toilet. It seemed like any other day at Oktoberfest (I know there had only been two previous to that but I settle quite quickly) but little did I know that today would be the day that something that I have always feared but never come across, would rear its ugly head.

And this is my last recollection of today. After 6 Red Bull Vodkas, 10 steins of beer and 10 shots of schnapps my mind gave in and said I can't be assed remembering any of this I might pass out now and put Luke on autopilot. Apparently this is what I was up to.

Day 2 - The Beginning

2007-12-20T03:52:00.001-08:00

After a cosy nights sleep in our two man (or woman) tents we rose to the aftermath of the night before, sun shining through the trees and glinting off empty beer bottles. As we rubbed the sleep from our eyes the air of anticipation swept over us. Today was the day we had come for, last night was a mere entree' to what was to be our main course, Oktoberfest. We hastily through a fry-up down our gullets courtesy of our friendly Topdeck staff and boarded the first bus to Olypmic park, the current abode of Oktoberfest. After disembarking and a game of follow the leader we arrived out our destination, the Hofbrauhaus, the traditional beer tent that every aussie who is an aussie in Munich goes to on the opening day. There we met the 6th and final member of the Scooby gang...Tits McGee.

Who is Tits McGee you might ask. Well dear readers she is a very very special girl. As we all remember many moons ago when 'The Robber' and I departed our fair shores, I seeking the adventure of foreign high seas and he seeking to rob the hearts of fair maidens on our way. Well it turns out that that old cliche' 'What goes around comes around' bares some truth. It turns out 'The Robber' had his heart not only stolen but also bound, gagged and now suffering from stockholm syndrome for its would be abductor. And that abductor is Tits, the long lost banana-bending sweetheart from Hopfgarten in Austria that the young Robber wasn't able to seal the deal with due to an unfortunate case of 'pink eye'. They have kept touch over these months and fallen for each other over the telephone. And thus the patron saint of their love is Alexander Graham Bell, with 'The Robber' erecting a shrine to him in his cupboard at home, but I digress. The real story here is that two lonely souls drifting through this crazy world found each other and now will be forever intertwined...we think.

And so Tits McGee, Chesty Leroux, Busty Calhoon, The Pirate, The Librarian and The Robber entered those wooden double doors of the Hofbrauhaus and it was a sight to behold. And we did it just in the nick of time as ridiculously large German men who looked like they had Acromegaly barred the doors behind us and sneered through the glass at any aussie who was just a tad to late to mecca.

What followed was a greater build up then a 90th minute winner in a 1-0 Man U victory over Chelsea. It was 9:30 and the ceremonial tapping of the keg was not til 12:00 and thus every stein in the house was filled with water and that was all. The chanting started, mid-morning snacks of schnitzel burgers were bought, as the excitement grew and grew. We could almost taste the beer in the air but our mouths remained dry. Then it happened. The horns blew the music started and the march commenced. Like a flag bearer at the Olympics (coincidentally this was the site of the 1972 summer games) a lone figure carrying a large stick which bore the Hofbrauhaus symol atop wove is way through the crowd followed by a large brass band. The cheering grew louder and louder until they reached the center balcony where they stopped. A hush went over the crowd a few words in English were said but I cannot recall those as the only thing that was going through my mind, was beer. The diplomat raised his hand and with one glorious strike the keg was tapped.

And then the beer flowed, steins were clinked together amidst cries of 'Prost' and all was good with the world. We had beer and our smiles were grinning from ear to ear. It truly was a day to remember.

Footnote: 'The Robber' left Germany on a train back to Austria with Tits, without a passport and upon arriving in Hopfgarten he passed out and consequently still didn't get any sex, then returned the next day to Munich tail between his legs.

Day 1 - The Arrival

2007-12-20T03:42:00.001-08:00

An early (4.30am) start to the day, timed showers, shared bathroom, wolfing down toast, then the maddest dash to platform 13 at Clapo Junno. All this with a 13kg back-pack on her back was a little too much for Chesty. She nearly didn't make it. But with her last ounce of strength she managed to climb that last flight of stairs and hurl herself onto the departing train. A beautiful beginning which set the tone of utter madness that was Oktoberfest 2007.

Upon arrival we were greeted by a sea of tents and a vast arrays of accents, namely Australian, Kiwi and the odd Saffa thrown in for good measure. Singing, drinking, chanting, drinking, shouting, more drinking and the odd bit of nudity. Had we been mysteriously teleported back to 'The Church'? No this was Thalkirchen, the infamous campsite that teems with antipodeans here to participate in one of their favourite pastimes, drinking booze. And as the saying goes when in Thalkirchen, drink, so we did.

The Tribe Has Spoken

2007-11-22T08:45:00.001-08:00

As soon as Sky get their pathetic act together and reconnect our broadband now that we have relocated to London I promise to regale you with tales of Oktoberfest and Egypt. It means so much to me that this blog has all of your love and support. Especially your's Tom. And of course my own father's.

Stay tuned...

A Question Posed

2007-11-15T06:44:00.000-08:00

A quick reader survey.

Is anyone still checking this blog or has my diatribe bored everyone to their wits end so much so that no one bothers anymore.

A show of hands or better still a comment after this entry to show that you still read this blog and that it is worth me continuing, otherwise it shall be retired.

Salutations.

The Pirate.

???

2007-10-09T03:28:00.000-07:00

The Forbidden Corner is full of strange things...

To see them all you must find you way,

And don't believe what others say.

They're anywhere and eveywhere,

So go in search, but please take care.

In woodland glade or the dark world below,

Watch your step and mind how you go.

Make it tough for others and don't let them find you,

By being sure to close all doors behind you.

Repulsive dwarf, defromed and all,

Emerges from beneath the wall.

Eyes of red and scales of blue,

Look close enough and he may surprise you.

And what is this,
We've come to pass?

A pyramid,

Of solid glass!

Standing there,

For all to see,

A little boy,

Having a pee.

Come and look,

And wonder why.

You can see,

Through a stone eye.

Where's the Grotto,

North or South?

Get it straight,

From the horse's mouth.

What's this monster,

All about?

First thing you know,

He'll spit you out.

Venus looks out over the dale,

It has been said her cheeks are pale,

But she spends her life standing outside,

Are they really pale? Friend you decide.

The snake pulsates,

With the light it sheds.

Dare you pass,

Between the heads.

Pluto stands,

Trident in hand.

Ruling over his,

Underworld land.

Close by St Cuthberts as you might know,

Lie merry old dalesfolk who lived long ago.

Their verses give insight to the world as twas then,

When women were women and men, well, were men!

The Silver Swan lands by a pool,

Water runs crystal clear.

To drink or bathe will do you good,

And you can do either here.

Once I was a tree,

Now a dog you see!

Quite a change, you remark,

But still I have my bark.

Giants among us everywhere,

Though mortals rarely see.

One, you can though if you try,

Is the Green Knight in the tree.

Go quietly for fear they shy away,
And you'll see no antler or or bob tail.
With graceful speed it's fair to say,
They are the Monarchs of the Dale.

Round the World...In One Night

2007-10-09T03:06:00.000-07:00

Unity

We need to unite the people,

We need to make them see,

The future of our beautiful world lies in peace and harmony.

Let's not be bowed by warfare,

Let's not dwell on negativity,

Be postive about the future,

Raise your hands and see,

That love is the most powerful weapon,

Love will conquer all.

Lay down your arms and lift up your hearts,

Hear the joyous call!

That love is the most powerful weapon,

And love will conquer all!

Whatever...

Tonehenges

2007-10-08T01:33:00.000-07:00

Imagine 5000 years ago, a group of mystical druids who studied the movements of the sun and the patterns of the stars, who believed in a religion that has been lost through time. The wisest of them gathered and began to erect a montholithic structure of tremendous proportions with the help of their followers, so they had a place to worship and perform their pagan rituals. How did they perform these amazing feats of ingenuity? And what was its exact purpose. Listen carefully to a language long forgotten to see if you can somehow unlock its mystery...

"Owh het uckf od ouy hinkt ew rea oingg ot etg hatt uck-fffo igb ockr no opt fo hoset thero wot uck-fffo igb ocksr atem?" said Strewthorofix. "Atem I aveh on deai, utb I ellt ouy hatw nceo ew od ti illw ookl rettyp weets." replied Ockerfix. "Od ouy nowk hatw het estb artp si onnag eb Ockerfix?", "Hatw" said Ockerfix. "Het actf hatt hoset astardsb ni ivef housandt earsy imet rea onnag its heret nda ays xactlye hoset ordsw hatt I ustj aids, owh het uckf idd heyt etg hoset uck-fffo igb ocksr no opt fo hoset thero wot uck-fffo igb ocksr!" exclaimed Strewthorofix. "Ahn atem, het estb hingt si heyt rea onnag annaw nowk hyw!"

High Stakes in Salisbury

2007-10-08T01:11:00.000-07:00

An awe-inspiring (pun intended) sight to behold, the point of the Salisbury cathedral is the tallest in all of the land, dominating the landscape wherever one goes. It also houses the world's oldest still working mechanical clock, not to mention a rather pious cafe where one can have a bit of body and blood with jam and cream.

Whitby

2007-10-05T03:08:00.000-07:00

Whitby, a small harbour town on the coast of Yorkshire. You may have heard of it but most of you more then likely have not. There are three things that you need to know about Whitby. Firstly it was the town where Bram Stoker wrote the majority of 'Dracula' whilst living in. In fact it features in the first three chapters and many of the references to the town are able to be surveyed still today. We embarked on a 'Dracula' walk, self lead of course, although my navigation on land is a shadow of my sea-faring skills, in other words we got lost. However the walk through the town did culminate in finding the 'Dracula' exhibition which eaglerly we wandered through, getting more and more disappointed until it climaxed with a spritely fellow dressed as Dracula jumping in front of 'The Robber' and causing him to lose momentary bowel control, whereby he proceeded to scream and shit himself. I still laugh now at the memory. Thankyou faux Dracula, thankyou.

More importantly, Whitby is the adopted* birthplace of one Captain James Cook. It is also where he becaming a well accomplished seaman and where he met one Joseph Banks the botanist. And thus we visted the house where they lived and learned and paid homage to the forefather of our country.

Most importantly, Whitby has the best fish and chips in England. I recommend the breaded scampi tail if you ever do visit.

'The Robber' shows his love for the Dockers

One carriage in 'The Pirate's' ho-train

Dam seagulls

I see the sea and the sea sees me

'The Pirate' Jr

He wasn't a fully fledged seaman until he found the ovum

Having a Captain Cook through er, Captain Cook's window

A bridge with loose morals

She was the fastest ship in the fleet back in her day

Look a 14 inch pianist

*Captain James Cook was not actually born in Whitby but in a surrounding village but it doesn't stop Whitbians from claiming him so I won't spoil their party either by making to big a deal of it.

Dear Abbey...

2007-10-04T03:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Abbey,

Why is everything in this country so old? I mean the other day I was talking to a lady at my work and she said her house is 300 years old, so I said to her that my country is only just over 200 years old. Everywhere I go things seems to be so much older then where I am from. I don't know if this is a good thing because if I lived in a house that was older then my home country I'd be kinda worried it might fall down. I mean look at that bridge in Minneapolis. It wasn't even that old and it fell down and some people got really hurt. I hope I haven't worried you too much with my letter, but maybe the people in this old country should thinka bout knocking all of their old stuff down and building new things like in my country so as its not dangerous to the people who live here especially people like me who can't help that they are used to such new things in their own countries.

Yours Sincerely,

Luke.

Dear Luke,

You are an idiot. The reason your country is so 'new' is that WE colonised your country just over 200 years ago and sent all our criminals there. That is why prior to that there were no buildings or structures to speak of as the originl inhabitants of the country were a nomadic people with a smaller population that lived off the land and felt no need for buildings. So while you are here in our glorious 'old' country please don't be so ignorant and simply appreciate its 'old' buildings for what they are, a slice of history. And if one does happen to fall, I hope it falls on your head. Good day.

Abbey.

Gettin' Medieval

2007-10-04T03:29:00.000-07:00

Hark, what doth be that sound of splintered wood upon ringing metal? It be the noblest of the noble challenge, the joust. Doth thee wish to joust me? Upon thine glove slap I do accept thine challenge and I must hark thee bring thine 'A' game as it is I who has brought down many a score of knight before thee. Mine steed is swift, mine lance is sharp and once I bequeath thine chest with its end, thou shalt meet thou's own end. Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha, ha ha.

Leeds Festival

2007-10-04T02:40:00.000-07:00

Smashing Pumpkins, Nine-Inch Nails, Klaxons, LCD Soundsystem, Jamie T, Devendra Banhart, The Hold Steady, Peter Bjorn & John, New Found Glory, Razorlight, Kings of Leon, Interpol, Maximo Park, Jimy Eat World, The Gossip, Kaiser Chiefs, The Enemy, Reverand and the Makers, The Living End, Mad Caddies, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Arcade Fire, Bloc Party, Panic! At The Disco, The Shins, Eagles of Death Metal, We Are Scientists, Dinosaur Jr, Pigeon Detectives, Unkle, Datarock, Digitalism and more...

Dental hygiene is most important whilst camping but remember...

don't brush too far back.

Rubbish pose

The result of promiscuous tents

Too much amyl nitrate is not a good thing

One for the Pirate

Drinking Fosters again...knob

Japanese craze sweeps Leeds

They finally found a bigger dick then Billy Corgan at the festival

Its not the size of the cup that counts its the drink in it

The big black man made 'The Robber' blush

Chesty's ode to Lady Sovereign - a no show at Leeds

Looks serene however...

Big fires in the mosh pit are fun...

So is burning big bags of rubbish and camping chairs while chanting 'Yorkshire, Yorkshire...'

Happy Birthday Busty

2007-10-04T02:21:00.000-07:00

We spent a magical few days in Cumbria's Lake District to celebrate the birth of one of our two buxom comrades and no I'm not speaking of another of 'The Robber's' conquests but of one Busty Calhoun. It was her choice of destination as it should be even on a wench's birthday so we packed the ol' transport to its rafters and like sardines in a Ford tin can we moseyed on up to Lake Windemere. Perhaps the highlight of the trip for I 'The Pirate' was an opportunity to comandeer a vessel aboard the high-seas and once again bark orders at the salty dogs in mine crew. The results were a horrendous display of un-nautical proportions but hey at least we didn't sink. See for yourself.

How very English

2007-08-28T03:45:00.000-07:00

The raspberry (plural, raspberries) is the edible fruit of a number of species of the genus Rubus. The name originally refers in particular to the European species Rubus idaeus, and is still used for that species as its standard English name in its native area.

Raspberries are very vigorous and can be invasive. They propagate using basal shoots (also known as suckers); extended underground shoots that develop roots and individual plants. They can sucker new canes some distance from the main plant. For this reason, raspberries spread well, and can take over gardens if left unchecked.

The fruit is harvested when it has turned a deep red and comes off the torus/receptacle easily. This is when the fruits are most ripe and sweetest. Excess fruit can be made into raspberry jam or frozen.

Raspberries contain significant amounts of polyphenol antioxidants, chemicals linked to promoting endothelial and cardiovascular health. Xylitol, a sugar alcohol alternative sweetener, can be extracted from raspberries. Raspberries are considered a high-fiber food at over 8 grams dietary fiber per cup. They are an excellent source of vitamin C and manganese, a good source of vitamin K and magnesium and contain some calcium and iron.

Raspberries rank near the top of all fruits for antioxidant strength, particularly due to their dense contents of ellagic acid (from ellagotannins), quercetin, gallic acid, anthocyanins, cyanidins, pelargonidins, catechins, kaempferol and salicylic acid. All these are polyphenolic antioxidants with promising health benefits under current research.

I hope you have all now learned something valuable about the rasberry but if you skimmed over most of the above the general gist is they are small, red and good for you so eat them.

Ye Olde York(e)

2007-08-28T02:51:00.001-07:00

Let us take time to reflect on what the cobblestone streets that we walk on today, witnessed yesterday in another era..

The staccato echo of "clippity-clop"

Past butcher and baker and candlestick shop.

Over the cobblestone streets he did fly,

With heavy seen breath and fear in his eye.

The wagon wheels of wood did turn,

The flickering lattern barely did burn,

As he glanced behind beneath angular hat,

His heart did a-flutter, he shouldn't look back.

With one final burst he reached the place,

And flew up the stairs amid all his haste,

The woman she shrieked, as he began to stutter,

"H-h-here you are dear, I brought you your butter."

Her nostrils flared, her eyes opened wide,

She advanced on him, rolling pin at her side.

"I was baking this bread for you my love,"

"And this whole bloody time you've been at the pub!"

THWACK!

-Luke Mitchell

It is beautiful to think that no matter what part of history you look back on that domestic issues would have always been the same.

Don Wimble

2007-08-28T02:20:00.000-07:00

Strawberries and cream, "Time please", covers on, covers off, Cliff Richard singing in the rain, grunt grunt grunt, all white, Henman hill, deucey deucey green grass, love forty is in the air, linesmen (and women) watching with hawkeyes, dunlop half-volleys, striking a let-cord, mixed doubles of Pimm's and lemonade, first serve, second serve, third serve and I'm a bit topspin lobbed, forehand, tie is broken during the tie-break, great touch at the net, backhand, C'mon, how ace, "New balls", unseeded, game, set, match, another Federer grand slam.

Laddies & Lassies, Ochs & Lochs

2007-08-15T08:51:00.000-07:00

Spike and Angel were nowhere to be seen

Unfortunatley for Jill and Bob they never had any children to

make sure their joint grave was well maintained.

'Castle Greyskull'

(I know I'm a horrible boyfriend aren't I)

All she ever wanted was a little house with a white picket-fence

Tom's counseling had obviousling cleared up his erectile dysfunction

or was it simply 'Viagra'

Pretty eery huh?

'I am the music man and I come from far away...'

'Land-ho me hearties'

Casey's favourite past time - kicking balls

'Yes Andre your urethra appears to be completley clear'

Willy pre-immigration

How's the tartan...

Yep, so much tartan.

Now that's just showing off.

If you can't beat em' join em'

'Oh my purple scarf so does not match the greenery around here'

This was an oddly familiar feeling

'I was right I so should have worn green'

The money shot

Stressed on the Ness

Another day in ruins

The roof was definatley too low for the Vilage People

Another jumper Nessie had to talk down

Rapunzel took to climbing her own hair for thrills

'Highlander IV - The Slowening'

Home Sweet Home

2007-08-15T07:14:00.000-07:00

It was a joyous occasion, the day we signed our lease. Of course it takes a further few days to process it, cross the t's, dot the i's, procrastinate some, talk about the latest episode of 'Ugly Betty' around the water cooler, scratch your genitals (girls do it too, they're just more subtle) and any other number of menial tasks before you can actually tell your tenants its ok to move in. But hey since moving to this country which don't get me wrong, I love dearly, I have noticed it takes so fucking long to organise anything and it only gets organised if you ring a minimum of 7 times to remind the people to do it and then half the time you have to ring the next person in the chain yourself. I mean come on people, I have no idea how your currency can be inversely proportional in strength to your work ethic! Now I apologise to any of the English citizens (or former English citizens, or those with dual citizenship too), I'm not trying to slight this great country of yours but you'd have to agree with me, it takes a shitload of time to get anything done around here.

O.K. enough whingeing (notice how I bit my tongue then and didn't make a reference to me being more 'pomish' with my large amount of whingeing, I'm really growing as an individual over here). We have a place to live, and what a little pad it is. With water views of the docks, a beautiful new kitchen where I can conjure up all kinds of gastronomical delights and a balcony just off of mine and Chesty's room ('The Robber' has ingeniusly figured out how to climb out through his window onto the balcony so he can suck down a quick lung dart or two). Plus we all chipped in and bought oursleves a nice high definiton LCD. Its nice to see we have our priorities straight isn't it?

Hell hath no fury but it has a hotel

2007-08-15T06:42:00.001-07:00

As we disembarked from our train at the central station of our new abode there was an air of excitement amongst us three travellers. This was to be our new home. The fear of the unknown coupled with the sensory overload accosted by new surroundings was a strange mix of emotions, but in the end the butterflies in our stomachs took flight as the realisation that our new home looked 'kinda cool'. As our heads swivelled this way and that, from bar to bar, to designer store and for 'The Robber' at the immense population of young barely clothed university girls, we were all smiles. That is until 2 weeks later, after living in what some would say 'close quarters' and still no nearer to signing a lease, our smiles faded and instead were contorted into the faces of people who were experiencing the dreaded 'Cabin Fever'. With money running out fast, we spent more and more time in our hotel which was once our sanctuary but was now fast becoming something more sinister, our tomb.

Yes, Chesty, 'The Robber' and I were forced to spend 2 greuling weeks at a fantasticly cheap and 'cosy' (for lack of a non-slandering word) known as 'Etap'. 'The Robber' who isn't the most vertically challenged of fellows slept on a bunk too small for a large toddler for the duration of our stay, with his feet hanging over the edge in my face most nights like 2 overripened bananas waiting to be plucked and made into a smoothie. Mine and Chesty's months of pent up passion were curbed to a quick romp each morning after 'The Robber' announced he was going downstairs for breakfast to which we replied 'We'd be coming in a minute'. Ah yes, you must fall on hard times before you can truly appreciate the good. About the only advantage was you could shave whilst in bed still as the bathroom and bedroom were one and the same, that and the fact there was a convenient hole in the shower door, that I utilised for my own amusement anytime I was showering and 'The Robber' was cleaning his teeth. "Oh Marty, Marty, come on and give me a nice lickery kiss" the pinkish worm would say as it protruded through the shower door. Needless to say we were ready to bludgeon the bejesus out of each other by the end of 2 weeks and we had to find a place to live and fast, for both the sake of our sanity and personal safety.

The Reunion

2007-07-24T02:09:00.000-07:00

Together again, in the palace I call the 'Royal National' yet Chesty calls the 7th level of hell (Etap hotel in Leeds is the 9th level, closely followed by Aintree B&B which touches down at a resounding 12th). It was small, quaint and smelt of wet dog and bok choy but it was of no matter (to me) as we were reunited after months of estrangement. A celebration was definately in order. And where better to celebrate a hellish separation but in hell itself so we had a picnic in our current abode, the Royal National. Environment means nothing when you're surrounded by loved ones and dutch smoked cheese. So we ate, drank and were merry as we relived our tales of travel and discussed our future plans and adventures in the land of Eng.

Goodbye Bus Hello Sex

2007-07-24T01:48:00.000-07:00

Even the greatest chapters written in the pages of history must come to an end and this Great Piratical Rumbustification that I 'The Pirate', he 'The Librarian' and him 'The Robber' have embarked on dear readers is no exception. However I will not leave you bewildered like the end of an episode of 'Lost'. When one Rumbustification ends another begins as we all know a pirate can not stay ashore for too long. He craves the spray of salt from the ocean on his face, to hear the crash of the waves against the bow of his vessel and to have his misern-mast raised so without further ado I bid this voyage adieu and rejoin my wench for some land lubbing with the promise of more tales from our next Great Piratical Rumbustification; the Librarian, the Robber, and the buxom beauties Chesty Leroux (Casey) & Busty Calhoun (Carley).

"A goodbye isn't painful unless you're never going to say hello again"

~ Anonymous

Fact or Phalicy: Europe has an obession with wangs?

2007-07-23T09:48:00.000-07:00

The Dam

2007-07-23T09:17:00.000-07:00

I see trees of green...

She needed an epidural

Starjumps, Uncle Chop-chop style

Tommy Lee at a frat party

DJ Panfer

Full of wind

Self-explanatory shop

Dutch sasquatch

Uncool Runnings

Canadian beer coaster hat

Backdoor shenanigans

Finally found a bigger dick then me

Only $5.99 per minute

Silicone implants are like so 5 minutes ago

It was so lovely on the grass

Canal Knowledge

2007-07-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

The tranquility of the town of Edam is pierced by the blood curling war cry that resounds from the throat of the maniacal airborne misfit. Will he or won't he is the question on everyones lips. He floats over the murky depths below for what seems like an eternity, the opposing bank seemingly so close yet so far. The front foot, thuds softly onto grass...the hind leg however touches with a resounding splash as the brown liquid engulfs the other half of himself. An uproar ensues, laughter, followed by applause. Will he be befouled by hepatitis or will his fate be far worse, a morning spent in bestenched boardshorts. Who knows, but one is reminded of these famous words, 'Do or do not, there is no try' in which the latter certainly pertains to this one drenched, odiferous 'Pirate'.

In the Spirit of...

2007-07-23T04:49:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of Bundaberg Rum and the ANAZAC's we remembered our fallen ancestors on the 25th of April in a small bar in the town of St Goar. For some reason they served Bundy much to my chagrin but to the delight of a few banana bender's and ma staters. We donned whatever representative garb we could find and drank to those who fought for our freedom from tyranny and persecution which allowed us to be here today in the country of our former enemy, now ally, drinking side by side as all man and woman should. As the juke box blared an oh so familiar ocker ballad, and our VB and Bundy flowed freely, I draped myself in the flag our brethren fought under, and the hairs on the back of my neck stood to attention like a regiment from the sixth battalion. A small tear rolled down my cheek and I smiled a patriotic smile. I thankyou for your sacrifice from the bottom of my heart, and this beers for you.

Munichup

2007-07-05T06:01:00.000-07:00

Bare witness dear readers. You can now say with pride that you are an acquaintance of the Contiki record holder for number of steins drank during the 3 and a half hour period spent at the Hofbrauhaus in Munich without a technicolour yawn. This relic of a beer hall once housed the first nazi speech given by one Adolf Hitler as he attempted to brain wash a group of alcohol fuelled youths. Hardly a challenge if you ask me, however til this day it was the greatest event witnessed by the stony walls of the Hofbrauhaus. It has now been overshadowed by one man and his thirst for a record and 8 beers the size of your head. These are the results.

First beer

Second beer

Third beer

Fourth beer

Fifth beer

Sixth beer

Seventh beer

The Eighth and final beer.

Paraletic Parapenting

2007-07-05T05:52:00.001-07:00

Unnecessary Nudity

2007-07-05T05:37:00.001-07:00

I was forced to perform this task by my tour manager Rossco 'Splinter' McClean. I feel deep regret for my actions and a heartfelt apology must go out to the poor girl who was in her first week of working for Contiki and apparently didn't deal well with the act of public speaking at the best of times. She boarded the bus to welcome us and was confronted with all tour members sitting attentively at the very front of the bus except for one, who was fully naked on the back seat thus perpetuating the myth that the back seat is where all the naughty children sit. It was only after the first three sentences of her pre-emptive and much practiced speech that she looked directly down the aisle and realised the presence of the trojan horse that had been befouled upon her. Jackie I am truly sorry, I have never seen a girl tremble so much at the sight of a penis before and I hope the drinks I bought you that night made up for it in some small way (no pun intended).

The Following Night...

2007-07-05T05:32:00.000-07:00

'The Robber' was struck down by a severe case of pink eye and thus was forced to spend the night in bed for fear of giving his lover 'the junk'. Once again fate was against this young stallion's quest to steal a heart in the name of true love. The two still speak regularly so one can only hope dear readers that they will be reunited some time in the future so their tale does not remain one of woe and celibacy.

Mad Hatters

2007-07-05T05:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight we donned our Austrian beer drinking hats and our personalised Contiki polos and headed to the Silver Bullet in Hopfgarten for a slice of debauchery and a few of the local brews as well as a small potent drink known as a 'Bullshit' which consists of Red Bull and black vodka which is actually black in colour so its not just a clever name. It was on this night that 'the Robber' fell head over heels in love with a beautiful Australian (not Austrian) girl by the name of 'Gemma-mima' (I have changed said girls name into an alias in case any incrimination in my sordid tale has legal repucutions) who may or may not work for our tour company. They batted eyelids, conversed, chortled then danced the night away. It was the purest of loves and as theirn night finished 'the Robber' escorted this lovely lass back to her humble abode. Alas, upon commencing the ascension to 'Gemma-mima's' turret of love they were foiled by one manager of the establishment and thus parted ways for the evening, not before a longing embrace and a heartfelt promise to meet the following night...

(Yes I bought a Swarovski crystal for my ear)

This may or may not be 'Gemma-mima'

Austria - We're Not From There

2007-07-05T04:54:00.000-07:00

Mozarts sympnhony was a tad on the florid side

A very Von Trapp wedding

A huge goal in the context of things

But there are a few plaited pusses

Where's Wally?

The Politically Correct Term is "Little Person"

2007-07-05T04:48:00.000-07:00

And I would like a bike and a he-man and a transformer and a...

Good boy

Uncle Jesse returns the favour

Famished

2007-06-18T03:42:00.000-07:00

Crossing Eastern Europe we then embarked on our next mission, Hungary. Contrary to popular belief there is an abundance of food in Hungary, as well as a rich tapestry of architecture, history and large men with shaven heads who look like they could open a new jar of gherkins first try. The city itself is amazing, rather like Ljubjlana (fuck I'm sick of spelling that word) it is centralised around a river however it is 5 times the length and breadth of the former's tributary. We explored the cities ancient buildings and also its stories, where we came upon a bejewelled mummified hand in an old church that belonged to a past ruler of the kingdom. Then we had lunch just outside. I avoided the 'hand' sandwich instead opting for the pigs knuckle. But I digress. 'The Librarian', 'the Robber' and I then found ourselves ushered aboard a fine vessel where we were taken on a leisurely cruise of the river Danube and treated to some more Hungarian cuisine this time a little less extreme-ity. Goulash and cabbage rolls with sour cream lined our stomachs as we basked in the glow of both banks of the Danube. On the west side the ancient part of the city Buda, and on the eastern bank the newer more modern city Pest and the two of course conjoin forming the city of as we know it today.

Look Dad some more statues of guys riding horses!

The 3rd horse from the left became slightly aroused by a young 'Robber' beneath him

Womb with a view

Horse testicles were considered a delicacy in Hungary

(Footnote: It is lucky in Hungary to rub this horses balls, hence their golden glow)

Who's Buda who's Pest?

Hand Cannon

Mario preferred the magic leaf to mushrooms

I thought the church learnt not to worship golden idols from Moses back at Mt Sinai?

Not a bad place to have lunch ey?

(Footnote: The church behind us is where the mummified hand was housed)

'The Robber', forced to bat for the other side due to lack of game

Ljubljana - Can't say it, can't spell it

2007-06-18T03:24:00.000-07:00

The capital of the now thriving nation of Slovenia is Ljubljana. Upon gracing it with our presence we noticed two things. It was beautiful and so were the people who were in it (well actually just the girls but for posterity's sake we'll say 'the people' instead of 'the girls' of Ljubljana). With a narrow river running through its center like a turquoise ribbon around a carefully wrapped gift, Ljubljana is the Prague of today. Being one of the first nations to throw off the shackles of the former Yugoslavia, Slovenia has prospered recently but still has not reached the touristic proportions of its neighbour. Thus the beer is cheap, the women are beautiful and yet still highly interested in foreigners and for a taken man that is highly interested in European fashion such as myself, it was a shoppers paradise. However due to the recent indescretions in 'Lake Bled' I was forced to purchase an entire wardrobe that I tried on in one store as whilst donning the final garment in my selection I noticed that I had conveniantly bled over every piece of cloth I had touched. Lucky it was so cheap hey! Coagulation problems aside I highly recommend this city to any readers who are after clothing, the coersion of beautiful members of the opposite sex (girls) and cheap booze.

Ironic Irony

2007-06-18T02:56:00.000-07:00

And thus our stint in the civilised and cultural portion of Europe ended (I am unsure if a civilised Italy is an oxymoron) as we delved into the deep dark depths of what is Eastern Europe to a country know as Slovenia. Every cliche' of dilapidated buildings, mere ruins, new seasons of Miami Vice and Knight Rider and elderly women who look like elderly men washing their head scarves in the local puddle were completely and utterly, unsubstantiated. Instead we found on the outskirts a picturesque town named rather inappropriately, Lake Bled. The name itself conjured up pictures in the imagination of a Mrs Vorhees slaughtering of our would be group of youths whilst we frolicked at the lake's dark edges, however upon arrival I was somewhat disappointed with its still reflective waters, and its insular church bequeathing its very center, like the jewel in its unadulterated crown. How could a place with a name that belonged in an 80's teen slasher flick be so dam beautiful, it was a travesty to the genre to say the least, hence I was determined to spoil its serenity. What would be the ultimate homage to such a locale? Ah yes of course...to be bled into Lake Bled. So with my trusty Swiss army knife in hand, the tribute began. Amidst cries of anguish and disgust the flesh of my index finger was pierced and sliced (on the 3rd attempt mind you) and with tranquility as its soundtrack and flawlessness as its backdrop I held my hand aloft and let my lifeblood drip slowly atop the waters of a lake that was named for this very occasion. Now its perfection was complete.

Post traumatic re-enactment with authentic wound and weapon

A Eunich Perspective of Venice

2007-05-31T03:44:00.000-07:00

So what does one do when one is in Venice? One gondolas of course! However in such an amorous city our mission was fraught with peril. 'The Librarian' and I were informed prior to our departure that under no circumstance were we to divulge in any 'romantic' gondola rides with the opposite sex. As we were caught up in the moment that is Venice we decided to show our respective lady friends who really wears the pantolonis in the relationship and in the words of Cheech Marin we said 'Fuck it!' Thus we accosted 3 young women aboard a gondola through the Venetian canals, under bridges whilst our friendly Gondoleer Mario muttered under his breath like a human version of Muttley. The wine flowed freely, I serenaded our vessel (as well as any other that passed us by) and it was beautiful. When I dropped the line 'How do you make a venetian blind? Poke him in the eye' the afternoon was complete. As we merrily disembarked from our magical boat ride I remember thinking to myself 'I will pay dearly for this when Casey sees the photos.' I hope they were worth it.

P.S. We are now castrated

Will the Real Robert Stroud Please Stand-Up

2007-05-21T13:16:00.000-07:00

Picked up a few birds in Venice, hope Casey is ok with it. Also picked up some diseases from them too, lucky none venerial, just dissentry, the bird flu and a few ticks.

A Tribute to Chas

2007-05-21T13:06:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of the Chaser's war on everything 'the Robber' and I pulled the biggest boneheading of them all...the boneheading of the Pontif himself. Yes we are going to hell.

Maximus

2007-05-13T13:18:00.000-07:00

Thumb up, thumb down, thumb your nose, trap doors, Christians being fed to lions, free entertainment for the common folk, Ceaser says...lets party. Ah how good it would be to have seen the Colosseum in its full glory. Or gory.

The Pantheon

2007-05-13T12:57:00.000-07:00

My favourite structure in all of Europe, dating all the way back to 125 AD. A clue as to the reason it is my favourite lies in its name 'Pantheon' which means 'temple of all Gods'. It was built during the Roman Empires reign as a temple to the Roman mythological gods. Since the 7th century the dam Christians got their hands on it and now it is the patron Catholic church of Rome (remembering that St Peters Basilica is in the Vatican a sovereign nation in itself). The inside is now even complete with pews, tabernacle and you guessed it its own oversized crucifix. Gotta love those Catholics. Oh and it also sports a massive circular uncovered skylight, let us pray that it rains on Sunday mass.

Footnote: I apologise to any Catholics I have offended by this entry, please understand it is no you I despise, just your religion.

When In Rome...

2007-05-12T04:53:00.000-07:00

...drink from a fertility fountain as you are a radiographer and believe years of radiation have made your swimmers a tad retarded.

...sit on the edge and throw a coin over your left shoulder into the Trevi fountain if you would like a swift return to Rome, and make sure you do it with style.

...sip on fine italian wine while watching the world go by and pretend you are someone important.

...buy Ray Ban Aviators and a Dolce & Gabanna belt to 'fit in' with the locals.

...but most of all do as the Romans do.

...and we did.

The Day After

2007-05-10T09:37:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...should I go see Michaelangelo's David perhaps the greatest sculpture of the human form ever and an artistic masterpiece in every way imaginable.

Fuck that, I'm way to hung over, I might just have a kip out the front of this really old church.

One Night in Florence...

2007-05-10T03:11:00.000-07:00

Step 1. Preen and groom til one is looking how can I put this...money baby.

Step 2. Now that one is looking the money, one must get ones photograph with a beautiful Florentine backdrop...at sunset

Step 3. A short bus ride to an elegant evening of Tuscan dining atop a mountain

Step 4. Enjoy a splendid meal of gastronomical delights such as antipasto accompanied by fine wine crafted by ancient monks. The monks also crafted an after dinner apertif known as Imperiali which is 90% alcohol. Let dancing ensue...

Step 5. Another short pleasant bus ride to Florences largest discotechque. However even though aboard your mode of transport, dancing must not cease...

Step 6. Tip the friendly bar staff well as on your return to the same propriotor with each frequence to the bar their pour of spirit to mixer will grow exponentially thus ensuring a high degree of enebriation and useless dance moves

Florence, what a refined evening in one of the oldest cites in the world.

Footnote: Florentine men are oblivious to your sex when they decide to squeeze your posterior, trust me I know from experience.

Lean Meet

2007-05-05T03:53:00.000-07:00

Pisa. Home of a tower more one-sided then a West Coast - Geelong grand final. Its bias beautiful. Its touristic serendipity laughable. Bonanno Pisano would never have dreamt such a farcical circumstance of the past would prove a pilgrammage place for creative visitors with an eye for amateur photography to ridicule his unfinished masterpiece. The tower was supposed to be 9 floors high, only making it to 3 before Pisano realised its propensity for an uneven erection. Ultimately swiss engineers were able to prevent it from toppling and a further 3 floors were added and hey presto, one of the worlds most viewed and out of the way tourist attractions. I applaude you Bonanno in finding grandiose success through idiocy. I can only dream that I create or discover something in the same manner one day.

He even 'robbed' the towers innocence

Aaron Sandilands eat your heart out

Jesalenko! You Beauty!

Swissco

2007-05-01T03:14:00.000-07:00

The Swiss Experiment

Aim:

To determine the effects of extremely high altitude on the bodies reaction to the consumption of alcohol

Hypothesis:

The subjects in question will feel an extreme enebriation after a lower consumtion then normal then will feel the need to either convulse violently while upright to disgracefully popular music or expel their entire gastric contents into a porclein recepticle. Some may even feel compelled to mate.

Materials:

Dewars 12 yo Scotch Whiskey
Vodka
Baccardi
Jack Daniels
Sprite
Coke
Pineapple Juice
Red Bull
Weird shots out of little bottles
Eicouff - a local Lucerne beer
A massive room party approved supervised and organised by tour manager (other contiki group on mountain not allowed room party let alone to bring booze onto mountain)
Swissco - what the swiss call a disco
Bad R&B music, some golden oldies and Eminem
29 Contiki members plus tour manager and bus driver
2142 meter high mountain above sea level

Procedure:
Take all liquid beverages from above, mix, then pour at a rapid rate down Contiki members oesophagus' until all gone then transport via whatever means from room party to Swissco. Commence music, stir then observe.

Results:
Ridiculous unco-ordinated dancing = 20 people
Vomitting = 5 people
Sexual acts = 4 people
'Robber' hook-ups = 2 girls
Nudie Runs = 1 very cold 'Pirate'
'Librarian' dancefloor nipple rubs = 35 before loosing count

Conclusion:
Drinking at high altitude gets you more pissed.

No Shit.

Coz I Got High...

2007-05-01T02:46:00.000-07:00

Lucerne, not the capital of Switzerland (which is Bern if one is wondering), the place where we made our humble abode atop a mountain. Yes our hotel was in the Swiss Alps 2142 meters above sea level. It was a tad on the breath-taking side both altitude and scenery wise. My next entry will be more of laboratory report as we discover the effects of altitude on alcohol consumption.

Flatulence in the Gondola - never good

Proof that every woman has assymetrical bosoms

Room with a view (a tad understated, I know)

Don't eat the yellow snow

Silly-ouhette

Dartangian fell over the edge

Water is the essence of wetness

And wetness is the essence of beauty

Krounenberg and Es Cargo

2007-05-01T02:19:00.000-07:00

And thus the new chapter began. 'The Librarian' was well and truly one of us. In fine form with his knowledge of the french language, 'Je suis, Je m'appelle, S'il vous plaît' which roughly translates as 'I am, my name is please'. And his recommending of fine french wines 'This is a Bordeaux, its from the Bordeaux region in France', 'Yeah but is it a red or white?', '....I don't know'.

So the unruly three had travelled across the English channel, from Dover to Gaye Paree' to bask in the culture of those who think they are better then others and are probably right. From the Arc to the Champs, the Tower to Notre Dame and of course from right breast to left at the cabaret Paris offered us each something unique and beautiful. 'The Librarian' an opportunity to convey his french linguistical skills that had lay dormant for centuries since graduating a wet behind the ears Hale boy. 'The Robber' his first glimpse of European titties as he stole glance after glance from the topless brunette dancer at the front right. And for I 'the Pirate' I had found the greatest gift of all, a bus load of people I could now befoul, corrupt and curse at will and of the 29 on board, someone was bound to listen.

And even though he/she definately doesn't, God bless Contiki.

I didn't know beer aged this well...arg 1664 twas a good year

Dam buskers even sullied the view of the Eiffel Tower

His penis cast a great shadow over Paris below

Quasi-quasimodo

I'm in Louvre

The Land of Nursery Rhymes

2007-04-04T09:07:00.000-07:00

Sing a song of sixpence, a pocketful of rye,

Four and twenty blackbirds, baked in a pie,

When the pie was open the birds began to sing,

Wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the king.

Now that excerpt is from a nusery rhyme that I was and still am particularly fond of. Until this day I had not fully understood, nor half understood, or even twelfth understood the meaning of it. However I now know that the poem was not intended to be taken literally, or metaphorically but a new style of deconstructing poetry I like to call representingly. Representingly I hear you say (well half of you that is the other half I can hear furiously clicking the cross in the top right corner of the screen like an iambic pentameter - a little poetry humour there people). Representingly refers to the home truths delivered by each piece of the nursery rhyme.

For starters, sing a song of sixpence, hmm, could be one of two things, the obvious being the smallest unit of English currency, the pence, but I like to delve a little deeper. I think it refers to how one cries out almost in song when finding out exactly how many pence you get for an Australian dollar. This 'pirate' in particluar will certainly be singing for his supper.

Secondly the blackbirds in the pie, well it may refer to England's insane notion of filling the utmost delightful of foods, the meat pie with all kinds of other animal parts that sound a little less inviting ie. kidneys, livers and tongue. But that would be too simple dear readers. If we delve a little deeper into the historical significance of the blackbird, the old wives tale that London tower will come crumbling down when the ravens or 'blackbirds' fly away surfaces. But I would like to think that the most significant part of the line is the four and twenty which refers to our great Australian meat pie itself, which shits on any pie here. Which one is right, I'll let you be the judge.

Lastly, wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the king. Now, we all know the monarchy here in England is a tad on the strange side. I mean Prince Charles of course got in on with Camilla over Diana, proof enough? But a bird eating king? Fear not, I will cast aside confusion for you and unveil the truth. We all know the tale of King Henry VIII. Six wives, at last count and thats not including reincarnation (I can't forget my hindu readers now can I?). And we all are well aware what Englishmen refer to women as...birds. A bird eating king isn't that hard to fathom now is it.

And so ends the lesson. We will be deconstructing 'London Bridge is Falling Down' next week, and believe you me, its not about falling bridges. Thankyou.

Eyeing off Ben

Plaster cast of 'the Robber's' penis

Dr Strangelove, siamese and pirate style

'Yes Luke it separates in the middle to allow ships to pass'

- more info from 'the librarian'

Victoria's Secret - no panties

No wonder he's freakin' out

Thumbscrews, instantly spring to mind

- Moff

As One Journey Ends Another Begins

2007-03-31T16:37:00.000-07:00

It is with great sadneess that 'the Pirate' and 'the Robbers' blitzkreig of the United States comes to a close. For those of you who have been procuring much interest in the tale of these two maniacal travellers fear not as the title suggests, when one journey ends another begins. For I have not cast dispurtion on you fine audience, this is 'The Great Piratical Rumbustification; the Librarian & the Robber' and as alluded to earlier the third point of our story will be completing this isocles very soon. Stay tuned, with baited breath for the adventures of Lee, or as we will henceforth know him as 'the Librarian', the quieter of the trio by day, but once the book is shut, the dewey decimal cards placed neatly away and the intranet shutdown, like any good librarian he lets his hair down (figuratively speaking of course as he sports a romper). And thus the story commences a new chapter, we shall be complete...and we shall be happy.

Amen.

Museum of Sex

2007-03-29T21:26:00.000-07:00

One does hope that the sight of these pictures are not too unerving on the stomach. As they say 'When in Rome...'

Siteseeing, well we are bloody toursits after all!

2007-03-29T18:12:00.000-07:00

So this is where Vanilla Ice has been hiding

(Yes that is a 40 of malt liquor)

What is the collective noun for buildings?

Dam fire-flies

Vern Troyer just joined the NYPD

Copper Boogies

Cliche' Mk II

The forgotten Looney tune 'Max the Marine'

A patriotic bridge, how quaint

I call this one 'The Moon & A Golden Man through Trees'

New York, New York

2007-03-29T17:52:00.000-07:00

Frank Sinatra wanted to 'wake up in a city that never sleeps', now I doubt Frank was waking up along with the rest of New York not sleeping due to their well worn hostel mattress (one could only imagine the stories it would tell if given the power of speech), however I won't complain too loudly as 'the Robber' and I have made it to the big dance. Our ultimate stop in the U.S. of A before we embark on mission to the Old Dart. And what a place it is.

'The Robber' is still questioning where this 'Big Apple' is as he has seen the 'Big Banana' and would like to compare oversized fruits, he can't seem to comprehend the concept of a city nickname, also commenting on the girls in New Orleans, 'I thought this was supposed to be the Big Easy and I aint been able to rob shit'. Fruitless humour aside, New York New York is all it promised and more. From oversized pretzels with mustard to bagles with a 'schmear' of cream cheese, Grande' mocha double espresso frappaccinos to just straight 'Cawffee' we have been swept up by the hustle and bustle of it all yet somehow avoided being totally consumed. Could it be our handy 'Lonely Planet' combination Manhatten Island map and subway guide? Or our thick Australian brouge? Or the fact we visited the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Isalnd, Ground Zero, the Brooklyn Bridge and the Empire State Building all in one day and seemed to keep running into the same people. Ah tourists, New York loves them! With in excess of 40 million a year they inject a substantial sum of money into the city and don't the locals know that. New Yawkers have in the last few years become friendly! Shock, horror, gasp, gone are the days where if you fell on the ground the average New Yawker wouldn't just walk over you they'd actually use your ear to remove the gum from their shoe too. So enjoy we do their hospitality, helpful directions and witty Brooklyn barbs.

In New York, we are all king of the hill and top of the heap. Unless you're the guy who keeps asking me for any spare change to get a sandwich. I bought him a beer instead so he didn't feel bad about lying.

Swamp Donkey

2007-03-26T15:10:00.000-07:00

The Bayou

Gator-cam was introduced at this years cricket World Cup

The toughest game of whack-a-mole ever

Which one's the reptile?

'So let me get this straight, I kiss it and it turns into a hot chick right?'

A Crockwork Orange

(NB. I know its an alligator but for the purpose of this pun I put biological correctness aside)

Melvin wasn't like other gators, he enjoyed sunbaking along with manicures more then the

water. But somehow he always knew he was different

Couldn't have happened to a nicer team

2007-03-26T14:48:00.000-07:00

Nuggets 113 - Lakers 86

Mello

Marcus breaks Bynum's hymen

Mello...again

Kobe again touching someone against their will

Another Bryant brick

Happy St Patricks Day

2007-03-24T11:09:00.000-07:00

Sorry my well wishes are a tad late but I found these photos from our St Patricks day and thought I should share them with you dear readers. I hope your 'craic' was as good as ours. As you can see 'the Robber' was donning his 'Shamerock' that day.

Hididdly Dee Mark II

2007-03-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

That's right wench, beware...oh its just 'the Robber' cross-dressing again

Slu love Chunk

Constipation on the high seas

Hididdly Dee a Pirate's Life for Me

2007-03-23T12:15:00.000-07:00

Apparently a few pirates lived in this town, one in particular Jean Lafite owned a bar with his brother who was blacksmith. I have finally found my pirate 'mecca', Pirate's alley. So I 'the Pirate' began to swear and curse more then usual. The 'Arrggg' gained an extra 'g'. One eye closed, and I began to limp. One of my footsteps sounded like a wooden staccato 'plonk'. I could suddenly hear the squawk of a parrot in my ear. I shivered my timbers. Pirate alley truly was a haven on land for me amongst all the the lubbers who didn't understand how much a doubloon was or thought the jolly roger was happy sex amongst the English. I was home and everything seemed 'piratish' with the world. Or it could have just been the Absinthe...

Arrggg!

City of the Dead

2007-03-23T12:02:00.000-07:00

Really Cross

Only a little cross

The sides of the tomb tasted really sour

When the dead person told him to 'Come on in', Marty proceeded to shit himself

A little too late to pray for forgiveness ey?

Jules, August and Alice, menage' toi forever

The French Quarter

2007-03-23T11:45:00.000-07:00

So New Orleans was originally colonised by the French. But not just any Frenchies, because of coures no one wanted to leave their baguettes, es cargo and La Coste polos they had to round up vagrants, gamblers, petty thiefs and women of ill-repute to populate their new colony which means Australia has a profound link to this great city. No wonder 'the Pirate' and 'the Robber' have acclimatised like Benny would in Colombia. The place where all this debauchary still takes place is the French Quarter and more appropriately Bourbon Street. This is where Mardi Gras occurs, one can only imagine what the party is like when that happens as its a tad happenin even now.

Blues and Bourbon go hand in hand

I apologise for the shadow I cast

Apparently there are young girls in there

Stella closed her eyes and pretended she was

a cackling witch on a broom.

Affluence

2007-03-23T11:32:00.000-07:00

These people can't help it that they've got so much money they wipe their asses with it. I love the architecture here in the Big Easy. Its a selling point if your house is weatherboard, a far cry from back home. They are all about tradition in the deep south which makes for a gorgeous city, in the places where you can afford to be gorgeous.

Katrina

2007-03-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

Before you look at the pictures below there are a few home truths you must know about the devastation Katrina caused. Now to the informed reader you may already know all this or if you were as ignorant as me and only know what you saw on the telly, or read in the paper and also wondered why the hell Kanye went off like he did but never bothered to find out then this is for you.

When Katrina hit the winds were severe, the rains bad but she was only a Category 3 by the time she hit New Orleans. She was actually a Category 1 when she passed Florida which is a far site worse then a Category 3. Now New Orleans is boarded by the Mississippi River to the south and a few great lakes to the North. The levee that broke was actually the levee for the lakes not the river and just south of the lakes is the most poverty stricken area of the city. When the levee broke it was not due to excess rainfall but to the surge from the ocean up the bayous inot the lakes. And with great force the surge broke the levee and flooded the neighbourhood. Nearly 2000 people died, none of affluent nature.

In the photos below you may see large 'X's' painted on the fronts of some places. The number above them are most likely are 9/14. This means that the places were checked to see if the occupants were ok, dead, or just gone on the 14th of September. History tells us that Katrina hit on the morning of August 29th. The houses you see are only a few of a large area about as twice as big as Perth's CBD where the houses are either gone carried off by the floods, as debris cleared by the city or still standing...barely. No one lives here bar a handful of people in cars next to their destroyed homes. Previously it was a large suburban area where those of lower socio-economic status made there homes. It was their neighbourhood. Now I know the full story and I can share it albeit briefly through my words and a few pictures with you I can begin to comprehend people's anger. I hope you can now too.

Nawlins'

2007-03-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

If you are from New Orleans, you pronounce it Nawlins'. Or if you are 2 wanna be locals from the merry old land of Oz you do the same. Welcome to the Big Easy. Home of Jazz and Blues, Gumbo and Crawfish, Bourbon street and of course Katrina, or moreso what she did. A place where you walk 2 blocks from grandeur to squalor. A mixture of ethnicity, class and decendance Nawlins' simply blows you away like Katrina herself around every corner.

And yes I have been tardy with this latest blog but for all those craving more (which is only you Cam I don't think anyone else cared) I will make a few entries as I have a lot to say about this truly extraordinary place.

Powder...on the Mountain

2007-03-16T23:48:00.000-07:00

We went snowboarding today at the place pictured above. Enough said. Wish you all were here.

The Robber Strikes Again

2007-03-16T23:41:00.000-07:00

Well dear readers, your favourite romantic pilferer has struck again. From stealing kisses off geographically ignorant girls in Vegas, 'the Robber' has now turned his wily charms to the 'mile high' club, thats right, having his neck sucked by a local Denver girl. And what a happy chappy he is. The proof is in the photos. 'The Robber' strikes again.

2 Men & 4 Burritos

2007-03-15T16:12:00.000-07:00

We have taken the Chipotle Challenge and lived to tell the tale. 2x1.5kg burritos each, filled with steak, rice, pinto beans, salsa, guacamole, cheese and sour cream. Burritos that would make John Holmes blush. The old saying was it takes two hands to handle a whopper, well at Chipotles the slogan is 'God should have created men with three hands'. But try we must, with differing tactics 'the Robber' and I embarked on our mission. My tactic, simple, eat as much burrito before the mind catches up with the stomach and realises it is full. 'The Pirates' tactic = success. My companion's tactic was to chew small morsels 37 times until it was a mere pulp in his mouth thus conserving space in the actual stomach and reducing the consumption of gas along with burrito. 'The Robbers' tactic = success. This truly proves the old adage there is more then one way to skin a cat, or eat two giant burritos. We came, we ate, we conquered and as we walked from Chipotles to the rapturous applause of fellow diners and kitchen staff, we had the sweet taste of victory in our mouths, along with a little burrito gurge.

The Rocky Mountains

2007-03-15T15:39:00.001-07:00

I didn't know there were pigeons in Colorado

Model/Mountaineer

Hike like an Egyptian

Postcard

Martha took to dyeing her pubic hair green to get Martin's attention

Got snow balls

M. Bison

Master Brewers

Oooh, He has abs of steel

Freestyle Walking Mute-grab

Still tipped with snow, like some omnipitant hand has sprinkled icing sugar on their peaks, the Rocky Mountains are simply breathtaking. We climb, in our Australian safety boots, sure-footed to the summit. Its glorious, a landscape fit for a postcard. The rocky outcrops make great vantage points, as well as rest points to meditate and catch our breath as the high altitude feels a Daniel Kerr to the groin. One could never imagine the variety of landscapes and architecture that the great U.S. of A offers up. Colorado though must truly be one of the more beautiful. Tomorrow we hit the slopes.

Fev Head

2007-03-15T15:32:00.000-07:00

Fev Head

'The Robber' insisted I post this. I can't see the resemblance. Can you? Wish I could kick as well as him though, plus Lara Bingle is pretty hot.

Sin City

2007-03-11T01:08:00.000-08:00

Mmm, Fatburger...literally

Swallows not Spits

Arrrrrrrr!

How cliche'

Sigfried wasn't the only one eaten by the lion

The resemblance between Martin and Ceaser was uncanny

Double-down on Krakatoa

Our hotel...jealous much

'Aman Ra!' ~ Ancient Egyptian for Yeehaw

Spitnx

Dodging traffic on the strip can be a little hairy

Some Sin City Freestyle Prose for your enjoyment

Two men, so much sin in the capital city of it all. I swear, drink and curse, he robs. Together we take on the city itself. It's blinking lights causing serial seizures, its women of the night spreading venereal diseases, we breathe in all of the sin and smile. I am down, he is up, in more ways then one, but we take the city head on as only we know how. The Jacks flows then goes, by morning, the pain, it grows but continue on we must. Oh me, oh my, my head it hurts, my pockets are empty as is my purse. Hmm let us devour another Fatburger, it may make things better, after an hour my stomach begins to frown. Now cower in the shower, for another hour, still pained I might just sit down. Down the elevator spruced up to double down, on 11. Split those aces, 25 on red bull and vodka, here she comes, the lady in red grab us another for free. But nothings for free in the city of sin, another trip to the ATM, hey i finally won something, I like this game, just remember those four numbers. Numbers, numbers, ho hummness, then numbness, whir goes the ball, plop into the slot, so fast it spins, so fast it goes that wad in your back pocket. But never mind, off like a roctket we shoot to the next floor. So many floors ah Studio 54, so grand at the MGM grand, what is your hand, full house...says the house you lose, we schmooze VIP, oh aussie you say well G'day come play some texas holdem'. So we play to win, golden and green, the colour of our country and the colour of money in this country how funny is one and the same. Now the end is nigh, what time have I, no idea, no clocks just scotch on the rocks and our heads on the pillow they fall. As we dream of those lights and crazy tunes, of one armed bandits and croupiers so cool til we wake tomorrow afternoon.

- Luke Mitchell 11/3/07

Know your state capitals no matter what country your're in...

2007-03-11T00:51:00.000-08:00

Thanks to my wealth of
knowledge in U.S. geography 'the Robber' has started his quest of cardiac thievery. Yes Marty did get to kiss both of these girls because I knew the capital of Texas is Austin, and then double or nothing, the capital of Massachusetts is Boston. And in a city such as Las Vegas, one should know not to gamble against a pirate. So 'the Robber's' first petty crime has been committed, what other foul play on fair maidens hearts will he bestow. Stay tuned...

P.S. Yes he owes me, big time.

Fine Arts Fun

2007-03-08T20:27:00.000-08:00

This is 'The Palace of Fine Arts'. After we graced it with our presence we have dubbed it 'The Palace of Unrefined Arts'. It was a truly beautiful place. Enjoy.

You Can't Stop The Rock

2007-03-08T20:13:00.000-08:00

Cheese and the Rock

A tough swim but we made it

Too much 'Rock' for one hand

I always new I would end up here

'Oh sorry sir I didn't realise this one was taken'

Bridging the Gap

2007-03-08T19:45:00.000-08:00

From the rolling hills of downtown Union Square to the cosey cell blocks of Broadway on 'the Rock' we trekked with gay abandon, as the saying goes 'When in Rome...' and of course we are in San Francisco. Well we didn't quite trek to Alcatraz, more caught a ferry but we trekked to the ferry itself and off it as well, you get the point. Perhaps the greatest trek of them all though was to big red herself (no not Lance Whitnall) the Golden Gate Bridge. Her rustic tones enticed us from afar, but she was the ultimate paradox, the closer we got the closer we felt to her yet the further away we realised we were. Just one more mile so we can touch her. Another hill, more chaffe, shin splints, light rain, yet we pressed on with her menstrual magnificence constantly in the foreground like a bridge in heat wafting her pheromones underneath our very noses. And finally we arrived and it was all worth it. To touch her in all her glory, the Golden Gate, a magnificent vestibule entering the womb of the bay area. We marched right to her very center and stood in awe. I 'the Pirate', her 'the Bridge' and he 'the Robber' together finally. And even after I arrive home and place my legs in stirrups, pantless, after liberally applying Bepanthen to my 'gooch', it will still all seem worthwhile.

Beer Pong in San Fran

2007-03-07T23:27:00.000-08:00

1. The Rules

2. The Result

The orb itself is where the power lies. In its smooth spherical glory it sails through the air, without resistance, where it comes to rest with a resounding 'plop' into the effervescent amber pool it so desired. Cup up, cup down pass the orb around, who next will be at the mercy of its power? And so I am bequeathed with this magestic object, I can feel its power coursing throughout my body as I take aim. Silence, bated breath, then the obligatory psyche-out begins. 'Muthafuckaaa!' What ill fate awaits 'the Robber'. 'Plop' another hefty blow to his already chinked armour and with the battle done, two more pitchers of Bud are bought and the war, it rages on.

Jet Lag

2007-03-06T03:03:00.000-08:00

Weave a circle round thrice,

And close your eyes with holy dread,

For he on honey-dew hath fed,

And drunk the milk of Paradise.

- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

I thought this quote appropriate as I sit here in San Francisco at 4 in the morning having left Tokyo at 5.25pm on Monday 5th of March, with a 9 hour flight and arriving at 8.25am in sunny San Fran on Monday 5th of March... Hmm, an interesting concept. Did we just go back in time? Was our united airlines (a word from our blog sponsor - star alliance, what a star) plane actually a Delorian? I have no idea, and now having slept the afternoon then gone out at night then gone back to sleep only to wake at 4 in the morning like I'd just drank 10 red bulls, I have no clue either, of what - the fuck - is going on.

So instead of laying on my top bunk any longer listening to 'the Robber' snoring or the beatnik Canadian on the bottom bunk making whimpering sounds like a stray puppy on death row, I have decided to share this thought with you as it was indeed keeping me awake. Along with the jet lag.

The man who invented the toothpick was a man among men, the man who decided to make the end of it peppermint flavoured on the Singapore to Tokyo flight is truly a God.

There, now that is off my chest I may be able to sleep easier...or maybe at all.

Til next time,

Luke.

Sake Bombs

2007-03-05T23:32:00.000-08:00

A Good Sized Can

Man in the mirror

Banana Split

Reverse Swastika Budhist Style

Japan is a paradox in itself. Old meets new, east meets west, Jenna Jameson meets Astro-boy (hentai) and of course sake meets beer. I'm in love with this city, not so much with the staring like I was a tattooed and pierced canine testicle but hey I'm in someone elses country, but despite the staring the nihonjin or japanese make up with their polite nature and utter respect for their country. Pride is placed upon a pedestal and we in Australia who claim to have so much 'Aussie' pride could take leaf out of Japan's neatly bound book and respect such things as rubbish bins, street signs, general courtesy with mobile phones, and the list goes on.

Aretha you said it, and we should do it R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Not like the Androids said, not like Madonna but like the Japanese.

Ponder this and these pictures as I ponder exactly what tale should be written down from so many.

As Henry Gibson said...Thankyou.

A Warm Greeting or a Seat that has just been Farted On.

2007-03-05T23:02:00.000-08:00

My sincerest apologies for my rather tardy commencement of perhaps the most highly anticipated blog of the year. Self-indulgence aside, salutations to you dear reader, I hope this first entry finds you in the most kosher of circumstances, as I Luke Chilton Mitchell Esq. am on the other side of the world embarking on the greatest Rumbustification known to...myself.

Which brings me to the title. You see when I was a young wart-hog, yes when he was a young wart-hog...I stumbled upon a piece of literary genius by one Margeret Mahay known as , The Great Piratical Rumbustifiaction; the Librarian and the Robber. Now it seems fitting in my journey that this be the title to mine and mine companions adventure. I am a pirate, foul-mouthed, loud-mouthed, scurvey-mouthed (despite incessant swilling of berocca) and with a penchant for mahogany limbs and eloquant parrots, I am indeed a pirate. Not to mention the rumbustification side of things. A rumbustifiaction you see, is the party of a pirate, with the cursing and the 'arrrrring' and of course the drinking and as you all more then likely know, I 'the Pirate' am partial to a rumbustification or 7.

Then there is 'the Librarian'. More knowledgeable then the average man, and sometimes quieter then the average man, but it is his thirst for the next book, or beer, or blurb that makes him Lee, 'the librarian' our second chapter to the book.

Which of course leaves us with 'the Robber'. My current travel partner, one Martin Teunis Spits, who is after all on a mission, nay a holy pilgramgage of conquest, to rob and steal one fair maidens heart (let us pray dear readers that it is more then one). The robbers must use stealth, guile and cunning and don a balaclava (or a lambskin) to take what he so desires. So we wait in eager anticipation my dear readers to see if 'the Robber' will truly rob or instead fall a few feet short of the mark due to sheer laziness...

So I bid you adue, for now my friends with the promise of tales to come. Where 'the Pirate' and 'the Robber' conquer the house (or country) of the rising sun then move onto the oxymoron that is the land of the free and the home of the freedomless, until we meet 'the Librarian' admist our travels.

Good night and if you believe in god may he/she/it bless.

Luke.